Q.    What is meant by the concept "redefining the expectations surrounding divorce"?

A.  We all have an amazing ability to rewrite history. We often view the circumstances of our marriage quite differently in hindsight from how they originally seemed, and it is natural that our minds invent stories about the other party that color how we approach divorce. But what if you could choose what your divorce and its aftermath might look like? How would you hope to view all 'those wasted years' today, tomorrow, next week, next year, in 10 years, or as you reflect upon your life as you prepare for your own inevitable exit?

We rarely consider these questions with balanced interest. Instead, our minds become stuck on stories that tend to cause our experience in reality to replicate the attitudes in our heads. These stories often just aren't true, or are quite incomplete. This is mindlessness in practice, and it is our default condition.

As with most questions, it is to be expected that we will formulate our answers from the core of our own interests.

If you could set aside your fear and anger, how might you like your divorce to feel for you and for your spouse?

Mindfulness is a great teacher if we can listen, and it may offer a framework for understanding why we become conflicted. It teaches us to pay attention to the thoughts and attitudes that arise within us in order to test whether they are true - and not to judge or suppress our "answers". It can be illuminating to notice how wounded answers operate to control the course of our lives.

Our views about what is happening to us are always linked to how our self-centered "me" feels. This egoic personality is sometimes called the "Little Me". Our worse fantasies, most selfish or destructive thoughts, and our day to day self centeredness all derive from a sense of a wounded Little Me.

The Little Me is our egoic conditioning. Recognizing the "Little Me" for what it is is an amazing accomplishment. It opens the door to recognizing something infinitely larger - that which notices the Little Me. Spiritual philosphers call this the "Inner Guru." Our highest aspirations, and our most transcendent moments, resonate within and are observed and recognized by our Inner Guru. We are all familiar with both characters, whatever we name them.

"Little Me" is the character that we think we are. It is the filter that judges our selves and everyone else, the one with the committe and all its opinions. It shifts and inverts from moment to moment. Little Me wants above all to be entertained, and it attaches to material things and romantic imagery. It is the part of you that is always in argument with what is happening.

Our Little Me is not awake. Sure, it moves, it bustles around, it can seem quite energetic - hell, it bounces off the walls all the time. But that is not a state of Awakeness. The Little Me might beg to differ, but let it beg. No answer or response will satisfy it anyway. The Little Me is our 2 year old personality structure at an arrested emotional stage of development. It can be quite beguiling like any child, dripping with sweetness and unction one moment and the most terrible tyrant the next. Little Me is a chameleon, and getting rid of the Little Me is like trying to rid yourself of your shadow. Better to know that is not what is going to happen, and if you go to war with your Little Me it is just the Little Me pretending to battle itself.

Your Inner Guru is something quite larger. It is wise enough to be all embracing and all inclusive, and it loves the Little Me with uncompromising compassion. To the Little Me the Inner Guru seems to fly on gossamer wings, and seems tied to some other inaccesible dimension. That perception is not true.

Mindfulness is nothing more than the aliveness of the Inner Guru expressing its aliveness in any given moment. It is allowing the natural spontaneous truth of life to express itself. It seems quite a task to remember that. This sense of difficulty is natural, but it is simply a mistaken apprehension.

So, what might one do?

To find an answer, it is important to consider who or what is asking the question. If the aspect of ourselves that we may call Little Me is asking the question, buckle up.

It is through mindfulness whether as a meditation practice, gentle self-inquiry, or just a gradual flowering of recognition and intention, that we allow the Inner Guru to address the question. 

We might ask the question differently: How would my Inner Guru wish this divorce of mine to feel, to me and all other beings? 

There is a transformative power in this question. Do you notice that when the Little Me drops out of the equation, when "I" am not the central questioner, previously unnoticed possibilities pop into view?

We need to begin somewhere, and a list is as good a place as any. When we connect to a heartfelt place of best intentions, and examine those intentions in a committed manner, certain themes arise that we did not before consciously consider and could not otherwise organize. This allows us to peer deeper than when stuck in the autopilot of trance conditioning, as we often are. It doesn't matter whether you list what you don't want or what you do want, but try listing it from both directions. Pick which ever is easiest for you to begin, and grab a sheet of paper or better yet a journal. Do any of these resonate?

    I don't want to cause pain to my loved ones. 

    I don't want my children to suffer. 

    I don't want to repeat my own parent's experience. 

    I don't want to be angry. 

    I don't want to be scared. 

    I am tired of blame. 

    I am tired of shame. 

    I don't even want to cause pain for myself. 

    I don't want to be stuck. 

    I don't want to be self-centered all the time. 

    I don't want to impose my story of suffering on those around me. 

    I don't want to feel vulnerable all the time. 

    I don't want to feel a victim. 

    I don't want to be sad. 

    I don't want to feel physically unwell. 

    I don't want to react all the time. 

    I don't want to need to apologize because of what I've said or done. 

    I don't want ______

Do this exercise with gentle humor and patient kindness and understand what is written above may be a long list for you, or maybe a short list. The key is keep listing until you've exhausted the thoughts and feelings that arise and wish to express themselves. You can also run another sheet at the same time, or wait until you are finished with your first one, but however you approach the list, each item will suggest its opposite.

    I want to love. 

    I want to be loved. 

    I want peace. 

    I want to be a positive force. 

    I want to be awake. 

    I want to be mindful. 

    I want to forgive. 

    I want to be forgiven. 

    I want to get on with my life.

    I want _______. 

Now, when you are done with both lists, ask yourself this question: Is the best of what I want for myself, the same as what I want for all others? Is the best of what I want, what I want for my divorce? Is it what I want for my spouse or partner? Is is possible that they would want the same things for themselves and for me? And even if they don't want the same things for me, does that matter - for me?

Finally, write down what resonated for you in making these lists. Entitle it "Mission Statement" or something else. And consider making a prayer, or whatever you wish to call it, that these goals remain your highest intention and that you may remind mindful of them, in pursuing them.

Then, congratulate yourself. You have just examined more than most people ever consider! You have glimpsed deep mindfulness, and have a sense what it looks like and where to access it. You have expressed an intention to be present and well, and so begun a journey to healing. You have realized that just because you have a story of who did what to whom, that doesn't make the story true - indeed, you now have a reason to be immediately suspicious of such stories.

And you have arrived at the door to a way of being that may guide and carry you safely through the journey, all the way home.

Advice for Couples in 2012, Including How to Balance Power in Your Marriage! 

It has been my repeated experience that, in anticipation of a divorce action, an unethical or abusive spouse will take strategic steps to hide assets and obfuscate the methods used to hide them. The ramifications to the non-managing spouse can include not only an unfair disbursement of community assets upon resolution of the case, but also manifest into reduced calculations of temporary and permanent spousal support and child support. 

California family law attempts to minimize the potential for financial fraud during the life of a divorce action. For example, it creates rules for mandatory disclosures of assets. It creates fiduciary duties for managing spouses. It creates methods for discovery of financial and asset information (but only in the context of a legal action, after the relationship has broken down). It creates pre-judgment and post-judgment penalties for non-disclosure. 

In a perfect world such legal tools alone would fully prevent the potential for financial dishonestly between separating spouses. But the reality is that the law routinely fails to protect the financial interests of the non-managing spouse in this regard, and the root cause of that failure occurs because non-managing spouses don't take steps to equalize the playing field when it comes to information about family finances during the course of the marriage. Stated another way, individual non-managing spouses are often unable to utilize the tools that the law provides to ensure they receive a just and equitable share of the fruits of the community's efforts during the course of the marriage because they lack the information necessary to have their lawyer fully protect their interests.  Too many non-managing spouses wait until the time of separation to learn about the family finances.  By then, non-managing spouses and their attorney are playing catch up, and not always winning. As such, it is of paramount importance that a non-managing spouse be proactive in learning as much information about the family finances as possible, and do so not only on the eve of a divorce, but also during the entire course of the marriage itself.   In this day and age, knowledge is the coin of the realm.

Economists recognize that one source of market failure (i.e. inefficient allocation of resources) is caused by a phenomenon called asymmetric information. Asymmetric information affects decisions in transactions where one party has more or better information than the other. In adverse selection models, the ignorant party lacks information while negotiating a contract to the transaction. Common examples of information asymmetry include 'insider' trading in the stock market, or buying a 'lemon' used car. Understanding and combating asymmetric information is crucial to economists because market failure leads to net losses for society as a whole. Understanding and combating asymmetric information should be equally important to the non-managing spouse and his/her attorney because of its strong potential to lead to inequitable settlements or trial results.  In the economic sense, asymmetric information between spouses about the family finances is a form of market failure. To be sure, if you are contemplating or undergoing a divorce action, you will (in most cases) effectively be negotiating a transaction that will bind you and impact your financial future.

The best way overall way to combat a managing spouse 's tendency to commit acts of misfeasance or non-disclosure regarding financial interests is to equalize the flow of financial information from the very outset of the marriage, with information parity being a non-managing spouse's goal.

Hand-in-hand with the goal of information parity is a mindset that fosters such parity being present throughout the marriage. That mindset is, simply stated, one of equality and mutual appreciation. Two people will divide labor in a marriage so as to maximize their relative strengths and weaknesses, and in so doing the synergy benefits the martial community as a whole to a greater extent than either person could do individually. Economists refer to this phenomenon as comparative advantage, and recognize that such a situation is optimal in the context of maximizing social utility. So too is comparative advantage optimal for managing a household. 

As a simple 'traditional' example, assume Chris and Pat are married. Chris has a greater income earning potential due to holding a doctorate degree and having a good network of people to whom Chris is favorably known in the locale. Pat has greater domestic abilities due to having a bachelors degree in nutrition a work background in home decor. Based on these comparative strengths, Chris and Pat decide that Chris will work full-time and Pat will take care of the home full-time. Pat's excellent meals keep Chris energized and in good health.  Pat's superior aesthetic tastes keep Chris in style with cool cloths. Chris's boss comes over for dinner and is impressed by the feng shui of the domicile. Over time Chris gets promoted and raises. Chris uses the additional income to make financial investments, go on vacations with Pat, and purchase a better home. By Chris and Pat each doing what they are relatively strong at, they, both individually and as a whole, are made economically better off. But more to the point, it is their interdependence that necessarily caused the mutual gain. The law recognizes this fundamental principal in the context of divorce by creating the concept of community property; that regardless of whether it was Chris's paycheck that allowed for the growth of assets, Pat's contributions to Chris's earned income are equally important and therefore necessitate equal division should Pat and Chris's relationship end. So as to a non-managing spouse's mindset, I strongly encourage all such people who are contemplating marriage, married, contemplating divorce, or involved in a divorce have one that recognizes their contributions to the community and requires takes a role.

On the practical side of things, here is a list of information parity objectives that I believe healthy marital relationships should achieve:

• Spouses should store copies of written financial documents in a safe place and where the other spouse doesn't have access.
• Spouses should have all depository, investment, retirement, and debt account numbers written down in an asset ledger. Annual inventories of all assets with a value over $500.00 should be maintained and signed off on by spouses and kept in the asset ledger.
• Spouses should keep copies of income information, including payroll stubs and other documents showing income such as rental checks from investment property or brokerage statements from securities dealers. 
• Spouses should copy and store all financial account information from banks savings and loans, credit unions, particularly monthly statements. Spouses should also copy and store other banking information such as passbooks, check registers, and deposit slips. 
• Spouses should agreed to have all financial information statements should be sent to each spouse individually, directly from the applicable financial institution, and be received only at that spouses primary residential address (and not, for example, at a business). If one spouse insists on receiving their financial information from home or stops receiving financial information mail at the residence, it is often a red flag. 
• Spouses should maintain copies of tax documents, including personal tax returns and business tax returns, and attached forms, for the preceding five years.
• Spouses should receive and keep business financial statements, including net worth and income statements, in the case of a small business.
• Spouses should keep copies of all wills and trusts, and attachments thereto (such as a grant deed that has been recorded in favor of a trust for the benefit of the spouses).
• Spouses should keep copies of all life insurance policies.
• Spouses should keep copies of all outstanding debts incurred during the marriage that are in either spouses name.
• Spouses should keep a list of all personal and real property owned prior to the marriage.
• Spouses should keep a list of all safe deposit boxes and their contents.

Other tips you should know about and red flags you should watch out for to protect you from an unscrupulous spouse:

• Don't wait until things are going badly in the relationship to achieve financial information parity. Work towards that goal from the outset.
• Conduct asset searches of your spouse's biographical information by professional third-parties on an annual basis.
• Be aware that there is a statistically higher incidence of spouses hiding money in their second, third, or later marriages.
• Its best to have only a certified public accountant prepare the spouses' tax returns (as opposed to 'bookkeepers' of other unlicensed persons acting as pseudo-accountants), as they are subject to professional  conflict of interest rules. Do not sign any document seeking your informed consent to waive any conflict of interest rules with respect to accountants without consulting an attorney.   
• Particularly in the case of a small business, become knowledgeable about the business's employees, its normal income, its normal expenses, and how it accounts for them. A small business in particular is breeding grounds for accounting tricks to make it appear less valuable. I have seen this occur by the managing spouse: favor/incentivize cash payments from customers, funnel personal expenses as payments from the business, creating and paying fake employees (including the spouses' own children) and then voiding the uncashed checks after the divorce is final, or delaying new long-term business opportunities (i.e. taking new customer orders, signing new clients, or receiving transfers from escrow-like accounts such as paypal.com). It's important to be familiar with the inner-workings of a small business so you can note when something is amiss. Carefully review and copy customer/client payment agreements and accounts where a small business operates on a largely cash basis.
• Review financial statements on a regular basis. It is easier to access and digest three months of recent transactions than five years of relatively distant transactions. Look out for large or out-of-the ordinary deposits or withdrawals, and try to trace the source/end-point of the transaction to the best of your ability.
• Be aware that municipal bonds and certain savings bonds, because they are tax-free, are not reported to the IRS and therefore can be a vehicle for asset hiding because they do not need to be disclosed on tax returns. Look out for large investments in these assets.
• Non-managing spouses should be careful about signing joint tax returns that claim large deductions for various expenses, particularly in the case where a small business is involved. Although it might mean a larger tax burden in a particular year, in the context of a divorce it often results in lower spousal support and a lower business valuation, with attestation proof presented to a judge in the form of your signature.
• Big changes to the administration of finances can be a red flag: applying for large new loans, the closing of a bank account or change to an investment portfolio, particularly without the input of the non-managing spouse, might give opportunity to hide money.
• Know your spouse's boss well, and make sure they like you. I have experienced collusion between employers and employee so as to show short-run decreases (bonus or raise deferral) to income agreed on increases after the divorce is complete.  If you separate from your spouse, let your spouse's boss know that event has occurred in writing. 
• Do not sign deeds or other papers concerning real estate papers without consulting an attorney.
• Watch out for bank accounts opened in the name of spouse's children, as they do not get listed on that spouse's tax statements they can be a method of hiding community assets.
• Also watch out for overpayments on taxes. A managing spouse may try to receive a tax return later after the divorce is final by overpayment now, or alternatively filing amended taxes.
• Avoid 'loans' to friends or family.           
• Be a Missourian, i.e. don't take your spouse's word. Have the managing spouse show you with the documents that corroborate what they tell you about the family finances. 
• Don't allow fear of ruining the relationship, cultural values, or laziness prevent your pro-activity in becoming astute in the family finances. Defensive responses to your inquiries and requirements for financial information parity by the managing spouse may indicate diversion of community assets.  
• Always remember that the burden of proof rests on the accuser, not the accused, to prove diverted assets to a court. Take all actions to protect your interests with this rule in mind.

These are my thoughts at the end of 2011 - I wish each of you, and each of us, a Happy New Year in 2012, and I hope that we all strive to be transparent and ethical during the coming year!

A Shifting Judicial Response to Overzealous Advocacy:
Excessively Exuberant and Inflammatory Litigation Tactics
Will Not Be Tolerated in California

A Cautionary Tale:

How Not to Run Your Separation and Custody Battle

"Paging Dr. Freud. Paging Dr. Freud.

* * * This is yet another case that reveals the ineffectiveness of Family Court in a bitter custody/access dispute, where the parties require therapeutic intervention rather than legal attention. Here, a husband and wife have been marinating in a mutual hatred so intense as to surely amount to a personality disorder requiring treatment....

... [I]t is not surprising that Larry and Catherine are having problems, serious problems, regarding the custody of, and access to, their children. The source of the difficulties is hatred: a hardened, harmful, high-octane hatred. Larry and Catherine hate each other, as do Larry and Sam. This hatred has raged unabated since the date of separation. Consequently, the likelihood of an amicable resolution is laughable (hatred devours reason); and, a satisfactory legal solution is impossible (hatred has no legal remedy)."

The decision details allegations of multiple death threats between the parents, between the parents' relatives and the other parent, between the new spouses and the other parent, changed locks on the residence, assault by Van, interferences with visitation, interrogation of children about the other parent, threats of jail, and a stream of abusive texts and phone calls, arguments that the children should be separated and divided between the parents, alienating behaviors even after court mandated counseling sessions, and more.

The court found the mother's behavior to be the more problematic of the two - "Had [mother] fulfilled her dual parental duty to foster and encourage access between [dad] and [the child] and not to speak disparagingly of him in the presence of [the child], I am confident that this case would have unfolded differently."  By the time of the trial the 13 year old daughter was so alienated from her father that the Court felt helpless to devise any remedy to repair the damage.  It made the following findings:

"(1) The alienation was not present before Larry and Catherine separated; (2) This is not a case where Taylor [13 year old daughter] has weighed the good and bad attributes of her father and found him, on balance, to be parentally deficient: she sees Larry as all bad - there is no ambivalence to her feelings; she is not disguising her true feelings; (3) Larry, although well-intentioned, is an inept father, who has not taken steps to identify, and fix, his shortcomings as a parent; nevertheless, the utter rejection of him by Taylor is disproportionate, unfair and unwarranted; (4) . . . Taylor has aligned herself with Catherine whose hate for Larry is palpable; the battle lines are clearly drawn and Taylor knows the side that she wants to be on; (5) I am unable to think of anything that Larry can do to quickly repair the damage in his relationship with Taylor; and, if I could, I have doubts that he has the skill-sets to pull it off; (6) I did not hear evidence of a single instance of Taylor, since separation, expressing love or affection for Larry; (7) Although children are often required by their parents to do things that they do not want to do, obligating Taylor to visit her father or to engage in counseling is considerably more complicated than insisting that she do her homework or go to the dentist; (8) The history of the parties is such that there is no reason to think they would meaningfully take part in, or benefit from, therapy or counseling; (9) While it is Catherine's duty to encourage and support a relationship between Taylor and Larry, that duty has been breached too severely to be remedied by the court; (10) It is not realistic to expect that the parties have the incentive and finances to engage in the extensive therapy and counseling that are needed; (11) Depriving Catherine of custody (sometimes an appropriate way of dealing with an alienating parent) would not benefit Taylor at this point.

It is my view, sadly, that the alienation here is so severe that it is in the best interests of Taylor not to order or enforce access by Larry. If access happens, fine.

Without professional help, Larry is incapable of addressing the breakdown in his relationship with Taylor. Although, as I have said, well-intentioned, he is an ineffective parent and, without counseling and other assistance, he will remain ineffective. While Catherine, aided and abetted by Sam, initiated the alienation of father and daughter, Larry has not improved the situation. But, I emphasize the fundamental fact that Catherine's conduct is the sine qua non of the alienation.

Absent counseling, matters will worsen, not improve. No practical purpose would be served if the court were to decree a schedule of counseling for the parties and the children. The hate and psychological damage that now prevail would require years of comprehensive counseling to undo. The legal system does not have the resources to monitor a schedule of counseling (nor should it do so). The function of Family Court is not to change people, but to dispose of their disputes at a given point in time. I preside over a court, not a church.

Larry might consider some common-sense steps, such as cards, letters or gifts, to show that he is receptive to a relationship with Taylor should she have a change of heart. However, he would be wise to have those steps independently vetted by a responsible person (preferably, a professional in the child-psychology or family-counseling field)."

Coachella Valley Shelter From the Storm

I visited the administrative center for the Palm Desert based Shelter From the Storm on November 11, 2009, and met with its Executive Director, Lynn Moriarty, for approximately 90 minutes.  Ms. Moriarty was extremely generous with her valuable time, open about the shelter's policies and functioning, and knowledgeable about its extensive facilities.  She has directed the Shelter for more than 15 years, almost since its inception. 

Shelter from the Storm opened with an emergency shelter of 30 beds in 1993, a staff of 25 employees and paraprofessionals, and two outreach offices.  It is the only domestic violence shelter operating in the Coachella Valley (Banning to the west, Indio to the east).  It has enjoyed tremendous community support and phenomenal growth since that time.  Ms. Moriarty reports it is one of the largest and most comprehensive of the more than 2,000 women's shelter facilities that exist today throughout the United States, with informal affiliations with a number of these other organizations which becomes particularly useful when physical danger to a women and her children becomes so acute that they must be relocated to another community.

The agency had expanded to over 45 employees placed at ten distinct locations in and about the Coachella Valley, but recent financial limitations have forced some cutbacks.  The Shelter includes a psychiatrist, a M.F.T. clinician, a M.S.W. clinician, and a Chemical Dependency Counselor.  Shelter From the Storm is a 501(3)(c) non profit corporation which receives grant monies from various federal, state, and local governmental agencies and private charitable donations.

Shelter From The Storm's mission statement includes providing comprehensive services to victims of domestic violence - "professionally, ethically, and compassionately."  Its vision includes continuing to bring to victims of domestic violence who are residents of the Coachella Valley the highest quality of service and human warmth, and to continue to increase the scope of volume of its services.  In practice, it offers a wonderfully diversified and complementary constellation of services.

       Shelter From the Storm offers the following facilities and services:

·      The original emergency shelter now includes up to 72 beds, plus cribs, in some fifteen bedrooms each containing up to four bunk beds and a bathroom.  There is a large common area  and an industrial sized kitchen where the women and mothers cook for themselves, children, and each other.  Some 70 to 75 percent of the population is children, and many are infants since intimate partner abuse often begins during pregnancy.  There are two on-site schools for children aged pre-K to twelfth grade, and a preschool and teachers o staff.  SFTS is one of the relatively few shelters that will accept children and teens at age 12 and above.  Given the preferred demographic of a ratio of 30 beds per 250,000 people in a community population, the emergency shelter is adequate to support the current permanent Coachella Valley population which was 410,000 persons according to a Palm Springs Destination Marketing Analysis in 2005.  The population is projected to be 478,939 by 2010, and 607,826 by 2020.  The Shelter boasts no waiting lists.   The average stay of women coming into this shelter is 45 days.

·      There are seven Outreach Centers in the cities of Coachella, Desert Hot Springs, Indio, Rancho Mirage, Palm Desert, and Palm Springs.

·      In 2000 the Edra Blixeth Community Counseling Center/Business Office was opened. Available to the entire Coachella Valley, the Center provides professional, individual and group counseling, case management, advocacy and crisis intervention services to abused women and children who have completed an emergency shelter stay or to community members who are not currently in need of emergency shelter.  Some educational services are offered to male victims of domestic violence at this facility.

·      The Florence Ridgon Long Term Transitional Housing Program offers a twenty-unit, two bedroom campus (128 beds) for women and children who have resided in an emergency shelter and who require additional time to attain emotional and financial sell-sufficiency.  Its goal is to serve as a "healing 'bridge' between the traumas suffered as a result of abuse and for re-entering the community as a productive and stable family unit."  To remain these women must work and/or attend vocational training and must save at least 30% of their incomes so that they will have a financial foundation for independence upon leaving.  This housing is available for up to two years for women and their (mostly) pre-adolescent children.

·      The Indian Wells Medical Clinic at the Emergency Shelter provides treatment for injuries, primary care, acute and preventive pediatric care, adult medical care, and gynecological care for residents.

·      The Teen Dating Violence Prevention program is offered to schools at no cost and is facilitated by specially trained SFTS staff.  SFTS believes is must be proactive if it hopes to help future generations maintain violence-free relationships.

·      The Helen Reinsch Legal Clinic.  This has historically provided desperately needed legal assistance and representation for shelter clients, but the availability of services has recently been negatively impacted by budgetary constraints in today's economic climate.

Many of the women who find the Shelter learn of it from police, who are mandated to carry cards in Spanish and English, or from emergency rooms, which are similarly mandated.  Some learn of the shelter through non-emergency hospital and medical referrals.  There are a number of referrals from "private partners."

Ms. Moriarty noted that there has been an increase in the number of women contacting the shelter from poor and disadvantaged populations, those challenged with fewer resources, and lower social and economic groups including the less educated.  This is particularly the case as the number of available psychiatric facilities has dwindled to almost nothing.  For example, there are no acute psychiatric beds available within the Coachella Valley.

Shelter From the Storm has its informational website at:

http://www.shelterfromthestorm.com/-index.htm

Additionally it has a crisis hotline which is always covered by at least two persons.

1-800-775-6055

1-760-328-7233 (local)

SFTS receives from between 2,500 and 3,000 calls yearly.  The hotline receivers are trained to do crisis assessments for suicidality and acute physical injury, requiring immediate referrals to hospital emergency rooms, among other things.

To be admitted to the emergency shelter women victims must meet certain criteria.  Depending upon the emotional status and background of the victim, interviews may be completed as quickly as within 10 minutes.  These criteria include:

·      They must be victims of intimate partner violence.

·      They must be physically able to take care of themselves and their children, although women with disabilities will not be turned away.

·      They cannot be actively using alcohol or illegal substances.

·      They cannot be seriously mentally ill.

·      They cannot be a danger to themselves or others.

·      They must begin from "a safe place" where they can escape without being followed.

·      If taking prescribed medications, they are asked to bring these with them.

·      "Shelter hoppers," i.e., women without resources who are seeking to avail themselves of a shelter and food, may be discouraged if they do not qualify as intimate partner victims.

Upon meeting these criteria, the women are told to drive to a nearby location so that a meeting may be arranged at a drop off point.  In some cases the women are given directions to the shelter itself, where their vehicles are hidden from view.  The key concern is not just the safety of the new client, but of all the women in shelter and in ensuring the continued secrecy of the location(s).  Once the women arrive, any children are immediately given a toy or animal as a transitional object.  Then, case management begins.  The Shelter emphasizes the need for women to have or to develop a plan quickly, and to utilize all available resources which are available and which they are directed to.

If as sometimes occurs a woman returns to the batterer, she will not be readmitted if it is determined that there is any threat to the safety of the shelter itself - it infrequently happens that a woman has disclosed where she was during her absence.  The safety of the facility, and of the resident group, must remain paramount.