Q.    What is meant by the concept "redefining the expectations surrounding divorce"?

A.  We all have an amazing ability to rewrite history. We often view the circumstances of our marriage quite differently in hindsight from how they originally seemed, and it is natural that our minds invent stories about the other party that color how we approach divorce. But what if you could choose what your divorce and its aftermath might look like? How would you hope to view all 'those wasted years' today, tomorrow, next week, next year, in 10 years, or as you reflect upon your life as you prepare for your own inevitable exit?

We rarely consider these questions with balanced interest. Instead, our minds become stuck on stories that tend to cause our experience in reality to replicate the attitudes in our heads. These stories often just aren't true, or are quite incomplete. This is mindlessness in practice, and it is our default condition.

As with most questions, it is to be expected that we will formulate our answers from the core of our own interests.

If you could set aside your fear and anger, how might you like your divorce to feel for you and for your spouse?

Mindfulness is a great teacher if we can listen, and it may offer a framework for understanding why we become conflicted. It teaches us to pay attention to the thoughts and attitudes that arise within us in order to test whether they are true - and not to judge or suppress our "answers". It can be illuminating to notice how wounded answers operate to control the course of our lives.

Our views about what is happening to us are always linked to how our self-centered "me" feels. This egoic personality is sometimes called the "Little Me". Our worse fantasies, most selfish or destructive thoughts, and our day to day self centeredness all derive from a sense of a wounded Little Me.

The Little Me is our egoic conditioning. Recognizing the "Little Me" for what it is is an amazing accomplishment. It opens the door to recognizing something infinitely larger - that which notices the Little Me. Spiritual philosphers call this the "Inner Guru." Our highest aspirations, and our most transcendent moments, resonate within and are observed and recognized by our Inner Guru. We are all familiar with both characters, whatever we name them.

"Little Me" is the character that we think we are. It is the filter that judges our selves and everyone else, the one with the committe and all its opinions. It shifts and inverts from moment to moment. Little Me wants above all to be entertained, and it attaches to material things and romantic imagery. It is the part of you that is always in argument with what is happening.

Our Little Me is not awake. Sure, it moves, it bustles around, it can seem quite energetic - hell, it bounces off the walls all the time. But that is not a state of Awakeness. The Little Me might beg to differ, but let it beg. No answer or response will satisfy it anyway. The Little Me is our 2 year old personality structure at an arrested emotional stage of development. It can be quite beguiling like any child, dripping with sweetness and unction one moment and the most terrible tyrant the next. Little Me is a chameleon, and getting rid of the Little Me is like trying to rid yourself of your shadow. Better to know that is not what is going to happen, and if you go to war with your Little Me it is just the Little Me pretending to battle itself.

Your Inner Guru is something quite larger. It is wise enough to be all embracing and all inclusive, and it loves the Little Me with uncompromising compassion. To the Little Me the Inner Guru seems to fly on gossamer wings, and seems tied to some other inaccesible dimension. That perception is not true.

Mindfulness is nothing more than the aliveness of the Inner Guru expressing its aliveness in any given moment. It is allowing the natural spontaneous truth of life to express itself. It seems quite a task to remember that. This sense of difficulty is natural, but it is simply a mistaken apprehension.

So, what might one do?

To find an answer, it is important to consider who or what is asking the question. If the aspect of ourselves that we may call Little Me is asking the question, buckle up.

It is through mindfulness whether as a meditation practice, gentle self-inquiry, or just a gradual flowering of recognition and intention, that we allow the Inner Guru to address the question. 

We might ask the question differently: How would my Inner Guru wish this divorce of mine to feel, to me and all other beings? 

There is a transformative power in this question. Do you notice that when the Little Me drops out of the equation, when "I" am not the central questioner, previously unnoticed possibilities pop into view?

We need to begin somewhere, and a list is as good a place as any. When we connect to a heartfelt place of best intentions, and examine those intentions in a committed manner, certain themes arise that we did not before consciously consider and could not otherwise organize. This allows us to peer deeper than when stuck in the autopilot of trance conditioning, as we often are. It doesn't matter whether you list what you don't want or what you do want, but try listing it from both directions. Pick which ever is easiest for you to begin, and grab a sheet of paper or better yet a journal. Do any of these resonate?

    I don't want to cause pain to my loved ones. 

    I don't want my children to suffer. 

    I don't want to repeat my own parent's experience. 

    I don't want to be angry. 

    I don't want to be scared. 

    I am tired of blame. 

    I am tired of shame. 

    I don't even want to cause pain for myself. 

    I don't want to be stuck. 

    I don't want to be self-centered all the time. 

    I don't want to impose my story of suffering on those around me. 

    I don't want to feel vulnerable all the time. 

    I don't want to feel a victim. 

    I don't want to be sad. 

    I don't want to feel physically unwell. 

    I don't want to react all the time. 

    I don't want to need to apologize because of what I've said or done. 

    I don't want ______

Do this exercise with gentle humor and patient kindness and understand what is written above may be a long list for you, or maybe a short list. The key is keep listing until you've exhausted the thoughts and feelings that arise and wish to express themselves. You can also run another sheet at the same time, or wait until you are finished with your first one, but however you approach the list, each item will suggest its opposite.

    I want to love. 

    I want to be loved. 

    I want peace. 

    I want to be a positive force. 

    I want to be awake. 

    I want to be mindful. 

    I want to forgive. 

    I want to be forgiven. 

    I want to get on with my life.

    I want _______. 

Now, when you are done with both lists, ask yourself this question: Is the best of what I want for myself, the same as what I want for all others? Is the best of what I want, what I want for my divorce? Is it what I want for my spouse or partner? Is is possible that they would want the same things for themselves and for me? And even if they don't want the same things for me, does that matter - for me?

Finally, write down what resonated for you in making these lists. Entitle it "Mission Statement" or something else. And consider making a prayer, or whatever you wish to call it, that these goals remain your highest intention and that you may remind mindful of them, in pursuing them.

Then, congratulate yourself. You have just examined more than most people ever consider! You have glimpsed deep mindfulness, and have a sense what it looks like and where to access it. You have expressed an intention to be present and well, and so begun a journey to healing. You have realized that just because you have a story of who did what to whom, that doesn't make the story true - indeed, you now have a reason to be immediately suspicious of such stories.

And you have arrived at the door to a way of being that may guide and carry you safely through the journey, all the way home.

Overcoming PARENTING CONFLICTS with OurFamilyWizard

Visitation and parenting exchange disputes often occur simply because of confusion or poor communication skills between parents, but they can be deeply embarrassing and distressing for children and a source of continuing anxiety and reactivity on the part of parents.  Sometimes these disputes can reflect a pattern of parental alienation. They can cost divorcing parents needless expense when they feel impelled to report these frustrations to their attorneys, taking time off from work battling about who really said what and when in court, and where they feel forced to engage each other within the legal system.   This wastes valuable judicial resources with a court process that tends to perpetuate conflict rather than ending it.

As a custody, visitation, and move-away lawyer I commonly receive complaints from my clients - and sometimes allegations about them - concerning failed visitation exchanges, holiday plans, or unseemly conduct between family court litigants.  Often these complaints are evidenced by texting and emails, but usually they are reported to me as my client's memories of angry telephone calls back and forth.   Either way, it is difficult for me to know and prove what was really said and in what order, or to sensibly provide proof to opposing counsel, family judges, or to court mediators and evaluating therapists.  Even where a text log can be created or downloaded, or where emails exist, it is not only time consuming to put them into a declaration or letter form but the fact is that nobody who is umpiring such conflicts wants to read them all.  Family Court judges are overburdened and don't have the time.   If a non-judicial professional spends the time to review them and reports back to the Court, this probably means they are being paid by you or the other party to do so.  Email communications are one of the more unwieldy forms of evidentiary records to wade through, since what occurred is contained in email threads that appear in reverse order in the form of replies.  

Moreover, in my experience, people having highly charged parenting conflicts typically write texts and emails that range from being merely improvident to outrageous.  Often these folks are writing with the expectation someone will read and buy into their position later, and at other times they just say something provocative or mean and hit 'send' before they can be mindful of what they are doing and how it might be interpreted later.  Or how the negativity trickles down to their children.

This is a real problem for families, and it is financially and emotionally expensive.  

Many Courts particularly in Los Angeles and Orange counties California, have ordered high-conflict parents to enroll with www.OurFamilyWizard.com with some very positive results in terms of dialing down the hostilities between them and so reducing trips to court.   These include a significant decline in these cases finding their way back to court.  This only benefits children and the parents themselves.

Coachella Valley Shelter From the Storm

I visited the administrative center for the Palm Desert based Shelter From the Storm on November 11, 2009, and met with its Executive Director, Lynn Moriarty, for approximately 90 minutes.  Ms. Moriarty was extremely generous with her valuable time, open about the shelter's policies and functioning, and knowledgeable about its extensive facilities.  She has directed the Shelter for more than 15 years, almost since its inception. 

Shelter from the Storm opened with an emergency shelter of 30 beds in 1993, a staff of 25 employees and paraprofessionals, and two outreach offices.  It is the only domestic violence shelter operating in the Coachella Valley (Banning to the west, Indio to the east).  It has enjoyed tremendous community support and phenomenal growth since that time.  Ms. Moriarty reports it is one of the largest and most comprehensive of the more than 2,000 women's shelter facilities that exist today throughout the United States, with informal affiliations with a number of these other organizations which becomes particularly useful when physical danger to a women and her children becomes so acute that they must be relocated to another community.

The agency had expanded to over 45 employees placed at ten distinct locations in and about the Coachella Valley, but recent financial limitations have forced some cutbacks.  The Shelter includes a psychiatrist, a M.F.T. clinician, a M.S.W. clinician, and a Chemical Dependency Counselor.  Shelter From the Storm is a 501(3)(c) non profit corporation which receives grant monies from various federal, state, and local governmental agencies and private charitable donations.

Shelter From The Storm's mission statement includes providing comprehensive services to victims of domestic violence - "professionally, ethically, and compassionately."  Its vision includes continuing to bring to victims of domestic violence who are residents of the Coachella Valley the highest quality of service and human warmth, and to continue to increase the scope of volume of its services.  In practice, it offers a wonderfully diversified and complementary constellation of services.

       Shelter From the Storm offers the following facilities and services:

·      The original emergency shelter now includes up to 72 beds, plus cribs, in some fifteen bedrooms each containing up to four bunk beds and a bathroom.  There is a large common area  and an industrial sized kitchen where the women and mothers cook for themselves, children, and each other.  Some 70 to 75 percent of the population is children, and many are infants since intimate partner abuse often begins during pregnancy.  There are two on-site schools for children aged pre-K to twelfth grade, and a preschool and teachers o staff.  SFTS is one of the relatively few shelters that will accept children and teens at age 12 and above.  Given the preferred demographic of a ratio of 30 beds per 250,000 people in a community population, the emergency shelter is adequate to support the current permanent Coachella Valley population which was 410,000 persons according to a Palm Springs Destination Marketing Analysis in 2005.  The population is projected to be 478,939 by 2010, and 607,826 by 2020.  The Shelter boasts no waiting lists.   The average stay of women coming into this shelter is 45 days.

·      There are seven Outreach Centers in the cities of Coachella, Desert Hot Springs, Indio, Rancho Mirage, Palm Desert, and Palm Springs.

·      In 2000 the Edra Blixeth Community Counseling Center/Business Office was opened. Available to the entire Coachella Valley, the Center provides professional, individual and group counseling, case management, advocacy and crisis intervention services to abused women and children who have completed an emergency shelter stay or to community members who are not currently in need of emergency shelter.  Some educational services are offered to male victims of domestic violence at this facility.

·      The Florence Ridgon Long Term Transitional Housing Program offers a twenty-unit, two bedroom campus (128 beds) for women and children who have resided in an emergency shelter and who require additional time to attain emotional and financial sell-sufficiency.  Its goal is to serve as a "healing 'bridge' between the traumas suffered as a result of abuse and for re-entering the community as a productive and stable family unit."  To remain these women must work and/or attend vocational training and must save at least 30% of their incomes so that they will have a financial foundation for independence upon leaving.  This housing is available for up to two years for women and their (mostly) pre-adolescent children.

·      The Indian Wells Medical Clinic at the Emergency Shelter provides treatment for injuries, primary care, acute and preventive pediatric care, adult medical care, and gynecological care for residents.

·      The Teen Dating Violence Prevention program is offered to schools at no cost and is facilitated by specially trained SFTS staff.  SFTS believes is must be proactive if it hopes to help future generations maintain violence-free relationships.

·      The Helen Reinsch Legal Clinic.  This has historically provided desperately needed legal assistance and representation for shelter clients, but the availability of services has recently been negatively impacted by budgetary constraints in today's economic climate.

Many of the women who find the Shelter learn of it from police, who are mandated to carry cards in Spanish and English, or from emergency rooms, which are similarly mandated.  Some learn of the shelter through non-emergency hospital and medical referrals.  There are a number of referrals from "private partners."

Ms. Moriarty noted that there has been an increase in the number of women contacting the shelter from poor and disadvantaged populations, those challenged with fewer resources, and lower social and economic groups including the less educated.  This is particularly the case as the number of available psychiatric facilities has dwindled to almost nothing.  For example, there are no acute psychiatric beds available within the Coachella Valley.

Shelter From the Storm has its informational website at:

http://www.shelterfromthestorm.com/-index.htm

Additionally it has a crisis hotline which is always covered by at least two persons.

1-800-775-6055

1-760-328-7233 (local)

SFTS receives from between 2,500 and 3,000 calls yearly.  The hotline receivers are trained to do crisis assessments for suicidality and acute physical injury, requiring immediate referrals to hospital emergency rooms, among other things.

To be admitted to the emergency shelter women victims must meet certain criteria.  Depending upon the emotional status and background of the victim, interviews may be completed as quickly as within 10 minutes.  These criteria include:

·      They must be victims of intimate partner violence.

·      They must be physically able to take care of themselves and their children, although women with disabilities will not be turned away.

·      They cannot be actively using alcohol or illegal substances.

·      They cannot be seriously mentally ill.

·      They cannot be a danger to themselves or others.

·      They must begin from "a safe place" where they can escape without being followed.

·      If taking prescribed medications, they are asked to bring these with them.

·      "Shelter hoppers," i.e., women without resources who are seeking to avail themselves of a shelter and food, may be discouraged if they do not qualify as intimate partner victims.

Upon meeting these criteria, the women are told to drive to a nearby location so that a meeting may be arranged at a drop off point.  In some cases the women are given directions to the shelter itself, where their vehicles are hidden from view.  The key concern is not just the safety of the new client, but of all the women in shelter and in ensuring the continued secrecy of the location(s).  Once the women arrive, any children are immediately given a toy or animal as a transitional object.  Then, case management begins.  The Shelter emphasizes the need for women to have or to develop a plan quickly, and to utilize all available resources which are available and which they are directed to.

If as sometimes occurs a woman returns to the batterer, she will not be readmitted if it is determined that there is any threat to the safety of the shelter itself - it infrequently happens that a woman has disclosed where she was during her absence.  The safety of the facility, and of the resident group, must remain paramount.