Q.     What does being mindful require?

A.     Mindfulness requires nothing because it exists outside the realm of achievement.  It is based within the present moment, and the present moment exists without concern for past or future.

The present moment doesn't care about striving to change anything. It is not in argument with "what is." In the present moment, nothing matters other than the present moment. Here is the present moment as an existing fact, here and now - can we say the same about some remembrance of what happened yesterday, or what we hope or fear will happen tomorrow? Those are "dead things"; they are 'history.'

Yes, we are forced to come to peace with the past, and to come to terms with the future. As timeframes, these concepts remain highly relevant. It is not enough to say "this too will pass" or "in the present moment you cannot be harmed" because not only is this incomprehensible at times, but mindfulness without perspective risks failing to protect the person from destructive harm.  We will not disappear in a cloud of bliss.

So what is to be done?

Mindfulness allows perspective based upon the Truth of our experience, not some trance-talking story about it all.

For purposes of divorce, mindfulness begins by recognizing what is mindlessness and the forms of thinking and behavior that mindlessness takes.

It is often easier to see the insanity of everything than how things are connected. Sensitivity does not begin by changing anything - the impulse to change things is just more trance (ever notice how so many creatures take on the shapes or colors of other creatures in order to hide or protect?)

Recognition is all that is required, - the rest takes care of itself.  How simple is that! But without attempting to see what is not a zombie-like reactivity, there is little space left for desire and intention to sprout and take root.  Mindfulness allows for a constant re-dialing back to the simple presence, without demand and even without plan.

But, beware, the mind ('ego') moves nimbly and so quickly. As soon as these words form, are expressed on paper or read, they tend to coalesce into a plan of action - into "a doing" - an activity. And so mindlessness begins again.

This is filled with paradoxes because ultimately the mind cannot grasp it all. Instead, the mind can point to illustrations that cause a felt sense of recognition which usually cannot be explained. Have you ever awakened to the fact that you've been unconscious until that moment? Doesn't this happen every day, all the time? For instance, suddenly you are at the bathroom mirror with a toothbrush in your mouth and you have no idea nor remembrance how you got there? Someone has been talking and that you've not been listening and have no idea what they just said. You've clicked to this page or away from it, and don't recall the clicks in between or the content of what you observed. That you have been distracted by some story of your mind while driving, and now arrive at your destination uncertain who was steering or what route they took? Where did the present go?

Mindfulness is being present at any given moment, in a conscious way.  Ultimately it is a practice and a commitment borne of desire, love and patience. 

Jon Kabat-Zinn has described mindfulness as "paying attention, in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally. Mindfulness is not about thinking, it is about experiencing. It is a form of meditation, and is available in every moment."

This has the power to transform our experience, and rewire our brains.

In the midst of divorce, mindfulness is the only alternative for not unconsciously responding to this, or to that, based upon hurts and fear.  What an opportunity for our children!  What an opportunity for ourselves that we can set our supposed burdens down, and what promise that maybe in our next relationship will be a more awaken to the seductions of the mind.  It is a grand way to start divorce healing.